


Something Stupid

by Lalapazaza (SophinaBlackwood)



Category: Downton Abbey
Genre: 1926, Canon Compliant, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, Reunions
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-23
Updated: 2017-07-04
Packaged: 2018-10-23 01:35:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,483
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10709388
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SophinaBlackwood/pseuds/Lalapazaza
Summary: It's been nearly three years since Jimmy Kent stepped foot inside Downton Abbey, and there's a certain wrong he's been needing to right for a long time.





	1. Did You Miss Me?

After three years, it was just the homecoming Jimmy had been hoping for. Mr. Molesley let him into the servants entrance and he strode down the hallway, taking off his hat and pressing it against his chest. Jimmy paused to take a breath, then poked his head into the kitchen.

“Jimmy!” Mrs. Patmore’s mouth dropped open. “Well, aren't you a sight for sore eyes.”

“Hello Mrs Patmore,” Jimmy smiled, sliding into the kitchen. “I hope you're well.”

“Well, I'm a little better now after seein’ your bonny face,” Mrs. Patmore snickered. “Don't we Daisy?”

“Hello Jimmy!” Daisy said cheerily, putting down her rolling pin, staring at him in awe.

“I suppose Ivy never came back, then?” Jimmy questioned, raising his eyebrows.

“No, but I did get a letter from her the other day,” Daisy said. There was no venom in her tone and Jimmy was glad for it. “She’s been to five American cities already, cooking for Mr. Levinson, can you believe it? She told me she mainly travels between New York and some place called Newport.”

“What a life!” Mrs. Patmore exclaimed, sliding a tray of tarts in the oven.

“I'm a little envious,” Jimmy admitted, “The US sounds like a dream.”

“Not for me,” Mrs. Patmore remarked.

“What are you doing with yourself these days, Jimmy?” Daisy intoned.

“Well, I’m-”

“What's all this commotion abou-” Carson arrived, gaping at the guest in the kitchen. “Oh, James?! Good grief, what a shock.”

Mrs. Hughes appeared next to Carson and clasped her hands in a happy surprise. “James! It’s so good to see you!”

“Hello Mr. and Mrs. Carson. And congratulations,” Jimmy said, highly amused.

“Oh, you’ve heard. Bless you. Please, everyone still calls me Mrs. Hughes. But, thank you,” Mrs. Hughes fussed bashfully. Carson tried to keep his expression even, but there was a glimmer of pride on his features. Jimmy noticed his shaking hand and felt a pang of pity for his crotchety old employer.

Anna came in through the servants hall. “Oh, my god! Jimmy, is that really you?” she gasped, “What in God’s name are you doing here?!”

“Hello Anna,” Jimmy nodded, now unable to suppress a grin- not when his ego was being sufficiently rubbed by everyone’s surprise and joy at his presence. “I had to be in Thirsk to meet a client and so I thought why not try me luck.”

“Well, we’re so glad you did,” Mrs. Hughes tilt her head approvingly. Carson rolled his eyes.

“A client?!” Daisy said, mouth parted with wonder.

“I honestly can't believe you still work here, Daisy,” Jimmy turned to her.

“Oh, only when Mrs. Patmore needs the extra hands.”

“Yes, we have rather a large party tonight, James, so I trust you won't get in the way,” Carson said, pointedly.

“I'd never dream of it, Mr. Carson.” Jimmy smiled, flicking a glance to Daisy, who blushed.

“Oh, and Mr. Barrow is going to be so pleased to see you,” Mrs. Hughes said, slyly, earning an exasperated look from Carson. Mrs. Patmore, Daisy and Anna all giggled, while Mrs. Hughes placed a hand over her mouth to elegantly hide her humour. Jimmy’s heartbeat picked up a bit at the mention of Thomas, and rocked on his heels sheepishly.

“I’m not sure what you're _implying,_ Mrs. Hughes, but I can assure you it has no place under this roof, _thank you_ ,” Carson said, disapprovingly, and Jimmy ducked his head to hide a smile.

Thomas was heard before he was seen, and it took everything within Jimmy not to snap his gaze back up. “What's all this commotion about, then? Might I remind you we have a party of twel-” Thomas’ voice broke off in such an obvious way that Jimmy had to pinch his lips to stop himself from grinning ear-to-ear. The room was entirely still, all eyes on the profound tension between Thomas and Jimmy. Carson glanced between all the girls’ attention with confusion.

“Hello Mr. Barrow,” Jimmy broke the silence, as nonchalantly as he could manage. His heartbeat throbbed in his neck, making his suit claustrophobic.

A small sound left Thomas’ throat as if he was questioning whether he was awake or dreaming. “How wonderfully nostalgic,” he managed finally. Of all the different ways Jimmy had imagined their reunion to transpire- that had not been it.

“It _is_ wonderful,” Anna agreed, her eyes giving away her elation at the situation.

“Right,” Carson boomed and Mrs. Patmore and Daisy immediately began busying themselves again. “Well if we've all finished catching up, I'd thank you to get back to work now.” He gave the room one final glare, and a special warning glance to Thomas before he turned on his heel and left.

“You’re very welcome to stay for dinner,” Mrs. Hughes invited. “I'm afraid though it will be a bit late, due to the party.”

“Oh, that's alright, Mrs. Hughes, I don’t have much in the ways of structure in me life since I left,” Jimmy graciously accepted.

“Why _did_ you leave us, Jimmy?” Daisy asked.

“Daisy!” Mrs. Patmore scolded.

“Well, I'm curious!” Daisy said, “No one ever told me what happened!” Thomas still hadn’t said anything more, just standing in the same spot where he had first frozen, eyes fixed to Jimmy.

Jimmy took a shaky breath to ignore his heart hammering in his chest from Thomas’ look. “Oh, you know me,” he answered ambiguously. “Can't stick me boots in one place forever.”

“Well, where are you staying tonight?” Mrs. Hughes asked.

“Just at a pub, Mrs. Hughes,” Jimmy said.

“Very good. Well, I better get on before Mr. Carson bites me head off for gasbagging,” she winked and everyone chuckled lightly, nodding her off.

“So what do you do with yourself these days, Jimmy?” Anna asked, folding over a maids dress in her arms idly.

“Yes, last I heard you were training to be a valet,” Thomas added. His voice was mostly even, and Jimmy took a lot of pride in knowing that it was probably taking everything Thomas had to not come completely undone on the spot.

“I was, yes,” Jimmy said, “To Harry Mountevans.”

“Isn't that Lady Anstruther's brother?” Anna mused, thoughtfully. Then, added with a laugh, “I don’t think I could ever get my head around calling you Mr. Kent.”

“Never got used to it, either,” Jimmy smiled to her.

“So, you saw Lady Anstruther a lot, then,” Thomas pressed.

“Yes, she’s always been very kind to me in the ways of employment,” Jimmy said, seeking out Thomas’ reaction. The other man blinked rapidly, unable to hold Jimmy’s gaze. “But I don’t do that anymore now,” Jimmy added, and Thomas breathed in, eyes meeting Jimmy’s hopefully. _You soppy old git_ , Jimmy thought, chuffed.

“If I’m any more on the edge of my seat I’ll need an icepack for my backside!” Anna ribbed.

“I compose jingles,” Jimmy answered, finally.

“What on God’s green earth is a jingle?!” Mrs. Patmore asked.

“It’s a radio advertisement, Mrs. Patmore. You know, the kind that stick in your brain like leeches, playing over and over in your mind so you can’t get a wink of shut-eye? That’s a jingle,” Thomas answered, staring deliberately at Jimmy. Jimmy averted his eye to blush.

“By golly, Jimmy, aren't you clever,” Mrs. Patmore said, breathlessly.

“Do you write the words too?” Daisy asked.

“No, no,” Jimmy said. “The advertising company has a wordsmith who comes up with all that, if the client doesn’t have something in mind already. I just come up the notes to match.”

“Well, you should show us all after dinner. We still have the piano set up,” Anna smiled. “But I better get on.”

Jimmy rubbed his neck. “It’s a little embarrassing, but why not. I'll see you then.” He nodded at Anna as she passed by.

“I think we _all_ better get on,” Thomas suggested, meeting Jimmy’s eye and subtly gesturing him towards the offices with a sharp tilt of his head.

“Bye Jimmy!” Daisy waved to him.

“Yes, good to see you.” Mrs. Patmore, nodded, now getting a little frustrated that she had been taken away from work for so long. “Daisy! Get those bloody eggs out of the water already, unless you want Her Ladyship to chew on rocks.”

“Yes, Mrs. Patmore!”

Jimmy tilt his hat to Mrs. Patmore and Daisy before exiting, following Thomas. His eyes wandered up and down the back of Thomas’ livery, and felt something burn low in his stomach with anticipation. Jimmy couldn’t believe he was actually here, and this was actually about to happen. _I’m about to flip Thomas’ world completely upside-down_ , Jimmy thought, giddily.

“Get in,” Thomas said, after opening the door to what was formerly Carson’s office.

Jimmy smirked, sliding past, accidentally- _deliberately_ \- brushing his hand over Thomas’ thigh as he entered. He heard Thomas’ breath hitch, before the door clicked shut behind them. “You should lock it,” Jimmy advised, immediately going to sit in Carson’s old seat and putting his feet up on the desk. He marvelled at the thrill of rebellion in his stomach.

Thomas gave him a look of confusion but bolted the door regardless. When he turned back he let out an exasperated breath, “Get off from there, you dewdropper.”

“Don’t be so priggish,” Jimmy said, and Thomas rolled his eyes.

“ _Really._ ”

“I’ll never understand why Carson loves poverty so much. _You_ should at least get yourself a cushion,” Jimmy said, rocking back on the back legs of the uncomfortable chair.

“I rather like that seat, thank you,” Thomas retorted, shaking his head. He and Jimmy locked eyes for a moment, studying each other. _You’re going to be so happy when I’m through with you_ , Jimmy willed his thoughts in the other man’s direction. Thomas blinked and the light made them glisten, giving away his emotional state. “Jimmy,” he finally said, but his voice came out strained, “What are you doing here.”

“I had to be in Thirsk for a job, and I’d be daft to not pop me head in to see how much everything’s changed,” Jimmy said matter-of-factly.

“You should have called ahead,” Thomas said, in the same way Her Ladyship would speak to Lady Rose or the girls if they had misbehaved.

“I wanted to surprise you.”Jimmy got up and walked around the desk to lean on the other edge, so there was only air space between him and Thomas. “Well, are you surprised?” he asked, softly.

“Yes,” Thomas whispered, looking at the ground. His mouth quirked sadly. “I haven’t heard from you in years, Jimmy. I thought you’d gone off me.”

Jimmy’s eyes widened, guiltily. “I told you I was rubbish at letter-writing. I always appreciated yours, though.”

“Until I wasn’t sure where to send them anymore,” Thomas muttered.

Jimmy felt suddenly awful. It occurred to him for the first time that he may have taken Thomas’ unconditional love for granted. He never considered that his lack of correspondence would make Thomas question his loyalty. Of course, Jimmy knew _he_ loved Thomas- once he figured his internal bias out, but Thomas didn’t know that. Not yet.

“I- I’m sorry, Thomas,” Jimmy said, shakily, and Thomas let out a small, uncomfortable laugh. “I hope you can find it within yourself to forgive me.”

“Of course I bloody well forgive you,” Thomas sighed, hopelessly.

“I’m so relieved,” Jimmy said, genuinely, looking up to smile at Thomas.

Then, something happened which rendered Jimmy breathless. Thomas’ face became a paradoxical conundrum, so many emotions flowing through it all at once. There was fear, but also longing, and anxiety, and anger, and regret- so tangible that Jimmy thought it may have been his own feelings that produced it, feeling suddenly conflicted himself.

 _Blimey, I have missed you so_ , Jimmy thought in awe.

Jimmy stood up straight and moved himself into Thomas personal space, so they were chest-to-chest. Thomas flinched in surprise, but did not move, as if he muscles rooted him in place.

"Jimmy," Thomas whispered, eyes half-lidded in a daze. “What are we doing?”

“Something stupid,” Jimmy said, and craned his neck slightly to kiss him, earning a startled, broken moan from Thomas. The feeling was more pleasurable than Jimmy could have ever imagined, and for a moment his body was nothing but an empty vessel of euphoria- from only a _kiss_. Thomas was still frozen, trembling, so Jimmy kissed his upper lip, then his lower lip, teeth pulling back at it to encourage a reply. Thomas’ mouth finally parted, and they locked lips for a dizzying moment.

"Ah, _god, Jimmy_ ," Thomas pulled away to inhale deeply- shakily. His eyes were wide and disbelieving. Jimmy blinked, enjoying seeing Thomas at odds, trying to control himself. Jimmy smiled. "I.." Thomas’ stared back, blankly.

“So,” Jimmy mused, a bold hand reaching out to touch Thomas’ hip, and the other man tremored under the contact- but he didn’t reply. Jimmy found that strange, he had always expected Thomas to lose himself completely the moment Jimmy made his intentions clear. “I’ve been doing a spot of thinking while I’ve been away.”

Thomas swallowed. “Sounds ominous.”

Jimmy laughed, his hand exploring north, and Thomas’ jaw clenched. “Actually, I think you’ll be very pleased with the results of my deliberations.”

“Which are?” Thomas asked cautiously- hoarsely.

Jimmy pressed himself up against Thomas’ body completely, and bit back a moan as he felt how hard Thomas had become. _He wants me_ , Jimmy thought to himself happily, _Oh joy, he still wants me this badly._ Thomas rocked, having to grip Jimmy’s arms to steady himself. “ _Ah_ ,” Jimmy murmured in pain, and Thomas let go of him immediately, holding his palms flat by his thighs.

“Your results?” Thomas reminded him in a weak voice.

“Well, they’re unconcluded, you see,” Jimmy said, thoughtfully. “There’s just one missing piece to my research. I had to come here to get it.”

Thomas raised a wary brow, but shivered as Jimmy gently ghosted his fingers over Thomas’ coat.

“Do you still love me?” Jimmy asked tenderly. Thomas stared at Jimmy, enchanted. Jimmy could _feel_ Thomas’ heartbeat, or maybe it was his own. It hammered so hard in his chest he keened his ear to make sure it didn’t drown out Thomas’ answer.

“ _Ye-_ Yes,” Thomas said, choking on it the first time.

Jimmy closed his eyes blithely. “Say it properly, though. The whole thing.” He wanted to feel it completely.

“I love you, Jimmy. I do.” Thomas’ voice was in his throat, and he sounded on the verge of breakdown. Jimmy opened his eyes.

“Good,” Jimmy whispered, pressing his hands on either side of Thomas’ abdomen and tugging gently. “Because, I love you too,” Jimmy said against Thomas’ mouth.

Thomas made a small, strangled sound as Jimmy kissed him again. Finally, Thomas wrapped his arms around Jimmy, and their lips parted naturally. Jimmy felt a tremor at the warm sensation of having Thomas's tongue inside his mouth. Thomas tightened the embrace, pulling Jimmy's body against his own and they both moaned as their erections met, through many layers of fabric. Jimmy’s whole body ached for more, succumbing to a painful arousal.

Jimmy pulled away gently, to study Thomas’ face. Thomas’ expression had come completely undone, moisture flecked around his eyes.

“Is this a dream?” Thomas asked wearily, and Jimmy snorted a laugh.

“You’re so bloody lavender,” Jimmy said, but it was meant endearingly- for once. Thomas exhaled hopelessly. “It’s not a dream,” Jimmy added.

“Jimmy,” Thomas whispered, eyes wandering him desperately, his cheeks burned with colour. Jimmy felt his mood lift. He felt as if he were dancing on the clouds. “Oh, _Jimmy_.”

“Now, now, Mr. Barrow,” Jimmy said sternly, pulling away from the embrace and straightening out Thomas’ uniform. He reached a hand up to smooth Thomas’ hair back into pomaded place, but allowed his fingertips to stray down behind his ear and across the edge of his angular jaw. Jimmy hooked Thomas’ chin and brought their lips together for a short, chaste kiss. “You have a lot of work to get on with. That party of twelve isn’t going to dine itself. Best get the footmen in order, and I’ll be back at nine for tea.”

Thomas reached out for Jimmy’s hand, brows pinched desperately. “You _will_ return?”

“Yes,” Jimmy smiled, “I swear it.” Jimmy retrieved his hat and placed it on his head, nodding to Thomas in farewell. He walked to the door, and unbolted it. “ _À bientôt, mon cher_.” Jimmy added lovingly, with one last look to Thomas’ face, caught between longing and disbelief- and then he left the room.

“Leaving, Jimmy?” Molesey caught him in the hallway on his way out. “Oh, I’ll be sad to see you go.”

“No, I’ll be back soon enough,” Jimmy said, pressing his hand into Molesley’s shoulder. “I’ve’nt finished helping someone find their happiness.” Jimmy gave him a friendly pat, then turned to make his way out of the servants hall.

“Oh,” Molesley said after him.


	2. Through the Rose Garden

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jimmy discovers he has allies in the strangest of places.

It was around half seven when Jimmy returned to Downton. He was early for tea but it was already dark, pale hues of blue moonlight cast across the servants yard as Jimmy’s own shadow stretched out from the lamp by the door. Thomas would still be serving, so Jimmy had time to calm his nerves with a cigarette.

The wooden door opened, nearly jolting Jimmy from his daze. It was one of the maids, Gill- or maybe Gayle- who caught Jimmy in small talk as she fetched something or other from the shed. She was quite insistent on flirting with him, and he humoured her with a wink and gently thread his fingers through his curled hair. Eventually she tittered herself silly, escaping back into Downton, face as red as a beetroot.

An hour later, the servants were preparing for their own dinner (sans Thomas, as he was still serving drinks for the men in the drawing room) and Jimmy could finally honour Anna’s request to put his work on show. Which he did, gladly.

Jimmy sat at the old, upright piano, plinking away a cheery jaunt. Occasionally he’d throw his head over his shoulder to see Baxter and Anna clapping along with the beat.

“Did you really write this, Jimmy?” Gayle (or Gill) asked.

When Jimmy winked at her in agreement, Mrs. Hughes sighed. “Have time to dawdle when there’s loads to do, do you?”

“But-”

“ _Now_ , Gladys,” Mrs. Hughes was stern.

The girl who was not named Gayle nor Gill huffed in frustration and sauntered off to finish the laundry. Mrs. Hughes rolled her eyes as if the girl were the entire bane of her existence. She was a pretty little thing too, with thick raven hair and tanned, lithe fingers. If Jimmy hadn’t come back to Downton for a particular grim-faced butler, he may have considered attempting to get off with Gladys behind the shed.

She wouldn’t be so fortunate tonight.

“Does this one have words?” Daisy asked, placing down a platter of Yorkshire puddings. _Cor, what is it, Christmas_? Yorkshire pudding! Blessings were smiling down upon Jimmy on this day.

“No, this were for an advertisement before the pictures. Ford of Britain,” Jimmy explained, he continued with a joking, jovial tone, “ _Look at this car, ain’t it dandy. Buy it now and pay my salary~_ ”

The servants hall laughed cheerily, and Jimmy’s heart expanded warmly.

“How about one with words?” Bates asked, with benign amusement. Anna was sitting next to him as always. Both of them like two mammoth stars revolving around each other, unconcerned with the universe around them. Jimmy had always been envious of them. He hoped soon he wouldn’t have to be.

“Alright, alright,” Jimmy’s fingers’ eased up from the ivory keys and began to play a slower jazz refrain. He raised the tone of his naturally deep timbre a little, to mimic the man who’d lent his voice for the role. “Ladies, tired of drying your hair with the same old vacuum cleaner?”

“Vacuum cleaner?!” Anna exclaimed.

“Try Avanché’s brand new Beautilocks portable hair dryer,” Jimmy went on, “It’s smaller, it’s faster. It’s guaranteed to give you the hair you’ve always wanted in half the time. Don’t worry about the little ones or that pie in the oven, thanks to an extra long extension cord, you can move around while primping your locks!”

“Well I never!” Mrs. Patmore exhaled, taking off her bonnet to jig her own curls, “Maybe I should invest in one of these devil’s contraptions meself.”

“Since when do you trust electrical appliances?” Mrs. Hughes smiled.

“Maybe it’s time I was a modern, 20th century woman!” Mrs. Patmore said delightedly and twirled on the spot. The whole servants hall was in an uproar of laughter at this, and Jimmy felt his own fingertips tingle that his music could bring such joy to people. He loved how music allowed those usually on the straight and narrow to let their hair down. For Mrs. Patmore, she’d taken the expression quite literally.

“What’s this?” Thomas’ voice cut through the hall, striking Jimmy at his very core. It was so profound, his hands slipped on the piano, accidentally playing an ugly chord before the music stopped abruptly.

“James!” a bright voice said and the entire room stood suddenly, several chairs raking across the stone floor. The voice belonged to Lady Rose, and she was staring right at Jimmy with familiarity and expectancy.

The man in question was stunned, looking to Thomas for assurance. Thomas shook his head back, just as befuddled. _God, your eyes…_ Jimmy nearly lost himself.

“I was hoping to steal him for a moment or two,” Lady Rose said, apparently unaware of the tense feeling in the room due to her presence. “Oh, we have so much to catch up on, don’t we James?”

The entire present Downton staff turned to stare at Jimmy agog, no doubt wondering if he’d engaged in some kind of uncommon relationship with Lady Rose when he’d still been employed. It seemed impossible on surface level, but Branson had apparently been a chauffeur before worked his way into the upper class by courting Lady Sybil- so, Downton was no stranger to the peculiar when it came to the downstairs mingling above board. Jimmy felt a red hot band across his cheeks and nose.

“A-As you wish, m’lady,” he said, with no other choice. Lady Rose insisted on speaking with him outside in the back courtyard, just as they had in that stranger than strange encounter, so many years ago.

Despite the bitter winter air, Lady Rose seemed unfazed, and gave Jimmy the prettiest smile once they were safely alone. _Alone_. What.. What was this now?! Jimmy’s stomach tightened nervously.

The servants courtyard was somehow sweeter when Jimmy was not under Downton’s employment, with an opportunity to proper appreciate its details. There was the comforting scent of fresh pine offcuts from the family’s Christmas tree, piled up along the brick walls. Or the way the vines crept and tangled up the surrounding stone walls. Jimmy remembered they would flower in spring and if he hadn’t been so sour in service, he might have thought them pretty.

“I couldn’t believe when I heard you were here!” Lady Rose said, as if they’d been childhood friends all this time. Beneath Anna’s brown borrowed coat, she wore a simply gorgeous black and silver flapper frock. “I just had to say hello. I hope I didn’t disturb.”

“O’course not,” Jimmy said, nearly affronted by the notion. “You honour me, Lady Rose.”

She sighed indignantly. “Oh, enough with that pish posh! We’re friends, James.” Lady Rose gave him a stern look. “Do you speak to your friends like that?”

Jimmy had only ever had one true friend.

“M’lady, _surely_ -”

“Stop being ridiculous!” Lady Rose wasn’t having any of it and reminded Jimmy of why she was his favourite from the family. “Did you ever tell anyone about Sam Thawley. The man I kissed out here while dressed as a housemaid?”

Jimmy blinked. “No, I ‘aven’t,” he said, and it was true. He hadn’t even told Thomas.

“Then I am your friend forever,” Lady Rose declared, as if it was the simplest thing in the world. In that moment, Jimmy finally understood why Jack Ross had been so head over heels for her.

“My friends usually call me, Jimmy,” he said experimentally, heartbeat thundering like a child sticking their hand in the biscuit jar.

Lady Rose seemed positively delighted. “Jimmy,” she breathed his name in awe- as if she were being let in on a secret that only belonged below stairs.

“I hope you’ve been well, Rose,” Jimmy said, with a slight smirk and he felt a thrill at the rule breaking. Carson would do his nut if he were eavesdropping. Lady Rose only beamed at the glass ceiling between servant and upper class being shattered.

 _Friends with Lady Rose,_ Jimmy pondered. _And how._

“Oh, I have! Married and all that. But, I want to hear what you've been up to. Mr. Barrow says you write music now! Oh, how I love the London jazz scene!”

Jimmy couldn’t help his natural smirk slip into something more genuine. “I do. Played in pubs and clubs until I were blue in the face.” And suddenly he had a common topic for them to speak on. “On me travels I came across a singer. Jack Ross. He introduced me to the man who offered me my current employment, writing refrains for radio advertisements.”

Lady Rose sucked in a gasp. “How is he?” she asked in a whisper, like nothing else in the world mattered than the name of Jack on Jimmy’s lips. “Mr. Ross, I mean..”

“He's well,” Jimmy answered, a hazy memory reforming in his mind’s eye. He was sitting at the bar of a club, well after the patrons and dancers had gone home. Dawn’s light hit the window and Jimmy was drenched in the scent of smoke, sweat and gin. That was the night Jack had discovered Jimmy once worked for the Abbey and poured his soul out to him.

“He told me,” Jimmy continued, and could only look at the colour of his mahogany shoes. “He knew it were for the best- what happened- but he would’ve followed you into the rose garden, had you been in a position to take his hand proper.” When he looked up, he saw Lady Rose had placed a hand across her mouth, eyes misty. Alarmed, Jimmy reached into his pocket for a hanky and passed it to her.

“Oh, Jimmy,” she dabbed her eyes carefully, with all the grace of someone born into the upper class. “That means ever so much to me. Truly. Thank you.”

“I don’t deserve your gratitude, m’lady. I'm just the go-between.” He really did feel guilty, though. He hated making women cry. Even if they had good reason to.

“Oh, stop,” Lady Rose fussed, and absent-mindedly pocketed his handkerchief. Where Jimmy thought he’d be annoyed, he found he was warmed by the gesture. It just meant he was going to have to spend money on a new one. Maybe he’d get one with a little _J & T_ embroidered in the corner.

“You've done so much for me,” she went on, generously, “And I've barely done a deed for you. Is there anything I can do for you, Jimmy? My dear friend. Anything.”

Jimmy opened his mouth to decline, then stopped the impulse. _As a matter of fact_.. Yes, there was something she could help him with.

As Jimmy smiled deviously, Lady Rose’s brown eyes widened, sparkling.

 

* * *

 

“Remind me again why Mrs. Hughes suddenly thinks it proper that Downton Abbey’s butler should take the rest of the night off?” Thomas ground his teeth with irritation, they walked side by side on a darkened pathway which lead to Thirsk. It was well and truly night now, not another soul on the road.

“Maybe she were just bein’ kind?” Jimmy shrugged innocently. “You work yourself to the bone. You deserve a rest now and again, yeah?” Thomas sighed at that, yet he hardly seemed put out. And how could he, when he was walking shoulder to shoulder with the great Jimmy Kent.

“Which pub did yer say you were stayin’ at?” Thomas asked, tilting his head to exhale, smoke dancing out of his mouth, catching the moonlight.

“The Rose and Crown,” Jimmy said after a beat. He allowed himself to stare at Thomas for a moment. Moved by curve of Thomas’ lips and the shade of his skin, all of it enhanced in the icy blue hues of the night and backdropped by white sleet on the ground. He looked like he had been painted by a great artist. He _should_ be painted, so everyone else could appreciate him just as Jimmy did. Jimmy had never felt more enraptured by Thomas than in that moment.

Thomas caught him staring, and flushed. “Speakin’ o’ Roses,” he quickly changed the subject, sucking in a long drag of his cigarette before flicking it to the snow. “Pray tell what you and Lady Rose have to ‘ _catch up’_ about, ey?”

Jimmy smiled, massaging his breastbone. “Maybe I’ll tell you some day,” he answered vaguely. For some reason he could not explain, he treasured his odd encounters with Lady Rose. They weren’t for sharing. They were for keeping close to his heart.

Ugh. When did he become such a sop?

Thomas raised a brow. “You look right enchanted. She’s a married woman, you know.”

“Where’s your faith, old chum?” Jimmy scoffed.

“Not the first time you’ve sent a valentine’s above your station, Mr. Kent,” Thomas rebutted pointedly. Jimmy sighed and rolled his eyes, in too good a mood to have an argument about his idiotic affair with Anstruther. Maybe next year, Thomas would be his valentine.

 _Sois mon Valentin_ , Jimmy whispered internally, turning to smile at Thomas’ face, an inky lock had fallen out of its pomade hold to spill over his forehead.

Thomas smiled back, and it was a sweet and easy thing which made Jimmy finally feel whole.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this next chapter took an eternity to come out! Thank you for all your lovely comments and kudos on this!


	3. What You Feel is What You Are

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thomas and Jimmy discuss their future at the local public house.

Jimmy and Thomas spent the remainder of their walk in companionable silence, smoking and occasionally bumping shoulders as their shoes crunched over the wet gravel underneath. It felt as if it may snow again soon, and recover the ground in a thick layer of white powder before the sun rose again. Jimmy kept stealing glances to Thomas, hoping they would be returned, but Thomas’ kept his gaze forward, looking increasingly ill as they approached the village. For Jimmy, the Rose and Crown couldn’t come fast enough as a frigid chill blew through Thirsk, and finally they stumbled into the public house, sighing with relief at the steamy warmth inside.

“I’m glad I changed into my day suit now,” Thomas said, shrugging off his coat to hang up. “Wouldn’t want everyone starin’ at me livery.”

“You look smart,” Jimmy complemented, smirking at himself as he placed his own coat on the hook. Thomas glanced to him, brows knotted, somehow untrusting. It made Jimmy nervous, because Thomas looked _beautiful_ in that gray pinstripe suit.

Thomas unfortunately had notoriety in town, so they chose a table out of the way in the back corner of the pub. Jimmy noticed a few unhappy glares pointed in Thomas’ direction as they weaved through the patrons.

_“Who let that bastard in here?”_

_“What’s wrong with ‘im? He looks a funny sort.”_

_“Lavender cad.”_

It set Jimmy’s teeth on edge.

“It’s fine, Jim,” Thomas reasoned when Jimmy slammed a fist down on their wooden table, feeling a hot temper boiling away inside him. “As fun as it would be throwin’ fists your corner, I’m too exhausted for a bar fight tonight.”

Jimmy huffed, sitting down, then realised they didn’t have drinks. So, he huffed again, stood up and stormed to the bar. The innkeeper didn’t seem to mind that ‘ _one of Thomas’ sort_ ’ was in his bar. Business was business. Jimmy slapped down a generous tip on Thomas’ behalf (and to ward off any transgressions) before returning to their table with four gin and tonics. Once Jimmy was seated, his anger had tempered.

“You trying to get me saucered?” Thomas quirked a brow at the four glasses. He took one, sipping it carefully.

“Just savin’ meself the second trip,” Jimmy shrugged, tipping one gin and tonic down his throat in one go.

“Or, London’s been a poor influence on you,” Thomas chuckled, not taking his eyes off Jimmy, who had started on his second drink. Jimmy’s breath caught at Thomas’ affectionate gaze.

“I don’t want to talk about London or any of it,” Jimmy waved his hand nonchalantly, then took an offered cigarette from Thomas. He leaned slowly towards the open flame of the silver lighter, eyes flicking up to meet a grey gaze. Thomas blinked. 

“I want to talk about you,” Jimmy relaxed back in the chair and blew smoke off to the side. “What’s the old gang been up to since I left? Everyone seems rather fond of you these days if I might say so.” Jimmy didn’t miss Thomas’ little wince, but continued anyway. “What did you do, sneak sweeties under their pillows at night?”

Thomas paled, and picked at a splinter in the table instead of answering Jimmy, not meeting his eye.

“Have I said something wrong?” Jimmy asked, a little annoyed when he realised Thomas wasn’t going to grace him with a response.

“No, Jimmy,” Thomas sighed. “You could never say anything wrong. There’s not much for me to tell, anyways. I do inventories, decant wine, yell at hall boys, pour tea for rich toffs. All in a day of the life of a one Thomas Barrow.”

“Don’t be such a wind-up merchant,” Jimmy scoffed, eyelids narrowing. “No stories at all? Nothing excitin’ to tell?”

“Nothing’s happened at Downton, Jimmy,” Thomas said firmly, still refusing to meet his eye. As if he were ashamed. Thomas should never be ashamed. Because he was the light in Jimmy’s world. “I wake up, I work, I smoke, I sleep, I wake up again. All the while waiting for my sticky end-” At this, Thomas finally raised an eye to his. “-Foolishly hoping for a return address.” 

Jimmy flushed in humiliation, pulse going cold. “I said I was sorry,” he muttered, placing down his second empty glass. Well, this night wasn’t quite going the way he expected it to. And Thomas had barely had two sips of his gin. “You gonna drink that?” Jimmy pointed at the remaining untouched glass. Thomas just waved his hand in agreement, before smoothing his fingers through his hair. Jimmy was momentarily enraptured with the motion, bottom lip languid as he brought his third drink to his mouth. _Handsome, utterly charming._

The unbuttoned sleeve of Thomas livery tugged back, revealing an unsettling scar on the inside of Thomas’ wrist. Jimmy’s stomach dropped.

“What’s this?” Jimmy asked, taking Thomas’ hand roughly and turned it over to see the wrist. Thomas ripped it back, alarmed.

“It’s nothin’.”

“Thomas?”

“ _Don’t_ , Jimmy,” he said sternly as Jimmy tried to grab for his hand a second time. “We’re in public,” Thomas hissed.

“I don’t bloody care!” Jimmy yelled, then lowered his voice at Thomas’ stricken look. “The hell is this? The hell have you done to yourself… _Thomas_?!”

“I..”

“ _Nothing’s happened at Downton, my arse_ ,” Jimmy muttered, a bitter taste in his mouth. He’d seen scars like that in Soho. Heard tales of men whohad felt so utterly hopeless, so backed into a corner of existence, that they raised a blade to his wrists. _Fuck._ Jimmy should have written to Thomas. Jimmy had tried- _he had, honestly!-_ but he was a daft numpty when it came to trying to articulate himself on paper. All his attempts ended up crushed up and hurled at a wall until he gave up altogether.

Meanwhile, Thomas was giving up on remaining with the living.

“Why didn’t you tell me?!” Jimmy exasperated.

“I wrote to you about it, but you never replied.”

“I never got a bloody letter about it!”

Thomas sunk in his seat, apologetic and weak. “Anna told me I needed to figure out what got me so low, and.. It was you, Jim. I had to get over you. You don't realize what you do to me.”

“So, you slit yer wrists?!” Jimmy leaned close to whisper harshly. Homosexuality and now a suicide attempt?! Thomas was practically begging for gaol time. “ _Because of me_?!”

“Jimmy keep your voice down,” Thomas hissed, as if Jimmy’s whisper wasn’t low enough. “I wouldn’t of done it if I knew you were still cared, now would I?”

The shame of his unreciprocated friendship set a landmine off in Jimmy’s soul, and he kicked a table leg viciously. Unsure what to do with his hands, he raked his fingers through his hair before slamming down trembling fists, cursing under his breath.

“Stop making a scene,” Thomas said, tersely.

“Well I’m frankly miffed at that, make no mistake!” Jimmy growled, tapping his heel against the ground. _Good on you, Jimmy Kent_ , he thought bitterly, _A real top bloke, you are._

“Jimmy,” Thomas croaked, dragging Jimmy from his thoughts. He sounded like a pained, broken man. “Why are you here?”

“I’m- I was going to move to Ripon,” Jimmy ground out. “My employer’s sister owns a music shop there and I’m going to rent the flat above it. I’ve got enough money now. I could catch the wagonette up to Downton whenever I pleased. You could visit me on yer half days.”

“Jimmy, I don’t have half days anymore.”

“You’re the butler aren’t you? Take the whole week off, if ya please- you make the rules!” Jimmy frustration wasn’t being quelled with Thomas’ excuses.

Meanwhile Thomas was rubbing his neck like he was trying to comprehend it all. “But, Ripon? I thought you’d be glad to see the back of Yorkshire. What happened to the United States? Bombay? Your adventures? Why, pray tell, would you, Jimmy Kent, settle in Ripon?”

And at that, all of Jimmy’s anger dissipated in an instant.

“You know why,” Jimmy whispered out, stirring and soft, barely audible over the dull roar of the pub. Three words with an impossible amount of meaning between them and them alone.

Where Jimmy thought he’d see Thomas’ grey eyes sparkle, he only found an affronted look.

“Jimmy,” Thomas’ voice had a commanding tone, similar to the tone Carson would use when Jimmy used to slack off shining the silverware. He stared back, incredulous. Until Thomas continued and Jimmy went very pale.

“ _I’m engaged_ ,” Thomas whispered in an undertone, so quietly that Jimmy nearly didn’t hear it over the dull roar of the pub. Jimmy froze completely, staring at Thomas with disgust.

“ _ENGAGED_?”

“Do I have to throw you in the goddamn lake?” Thomas side-eyed the pub, a few wary eyes in their direction at the clamor. “Please, calm down.”

“I didn’t think your sort could even get engaged,” Jimmy grumbled without thinking. His heart stuttered.

“ _My_ sort?” Thomas raised his eyebrows, suddenly on the defensive.

_Shit_. He didn’t mean that! “You know..”

“I may not have a blessing in the eyes of god, but it hardly matters. We are devoted and that’s that. You, of all people-”

“It’s bloody nonsense, is what that is,” Jimmy intoned, aggravated. 

“You’re unbelievable, Jimmy,” Thomas snapped. “There you go, coming back here out of the blue, propose ultimatums and causing trouble. Trying to turn my life upside-down, _again_. Again and again. Round n’ round I go on this perverted merry-go-round.” At that, Jimmy gaped, scandalized. Thomas was hardly concerned, continued on. “I refuse to be strung along forever. I don’t live to serve the great Jimmy Kent,” and his name was said with such vile distaste that Jimmy physically shuddered.

Jimmy seethed at the table. Christ, he wanted to punch someone’s nose. Wanted to feel the burn of blood on his knuckles. Though not Thomas. Maybe one of the nasty cads in the pub.

“What ‘is name?” Jimmy muttered, averting his gaze.

“... Martin.”

“Awful name.” And Jimmy despised himself for being unable to hold his tongue.

Thomas had apparently had enough. “I’ve found a chance at a love,” he hissed. “Don’t you see? I’ve got no family. Downton hardly fills that void. We’re-” Thomas raked a hand through his hair, all the locks coming out of its pomaded hold. “We’re gonna save up. Buy a cottage on a cliff in Northern Ireland. Portrush or maybe Castlerock. And we’ll fish and hunt deer until we grow weary and the cold winters take us.”

Jimmy ground his teeth. It was a ridiculous fairytale. Thomas didn’t need to hide away in the middle of god knows where. The Thomas Jimmy knew would sooner throw himself off a cliff. Thomas needed jazz, and parties, and dancing. He needed to drink, and gamble, and _live._ With _Jimmy_. Not awful Martin.

“You’re steppin’ out with a paddy?!”

But Jimmy knew at once he’d made a grave mistake, and Thomas didn’t take kindly at the slur in the least. 

“You don’t know what it’s like for a- for a man like me. Don’t squander my chance at a life, Jimmy. Not unless you mean it. And I don’t think you do.” Thomas’ voice was low. Very cold, and very serious.

Jimmy’s throat closed up. His fists shook violently, and the corners of his eyes stung. He needed to leave and leave now. Without a word, he stood, chair raking against the stone floor. He turned and walked quickly towards the front door, not caring who he had to shove on his way out. They’d have a fist between their eyes if they weren’t careful.

“Jesus buggering fuck!” Jimmy cried out as the freezing night air hit him. He shrugged his coat over his shoulders tighter, picking up a gait in an attempt to warm himself up.

Engaged. _Engaged?!_ What the hell was Thomas thinking? What the fuck was _Jimmy_ thinking, assuming that Thomas would still be a miserable bastard who would gladly take him, begging on his knees. Jimmy’s mind suddenly filled of Thomas on his knees in front of him- kissing, licking, the front of his pants, undoing the buttons with his teeth.

“Fuck me,” Jimmy groaned out, his heartbroken mind fighting with the impulses of his randy body.

“Jimmy!”

“ _Sod-off_ , Thomas,” Jimmy choked out, walking faster. His calves burned and screamed to rest in the frigid air but he didn’t oblige, and grit his teeth through the pain. He jumped a fence to start heading out into the woods. He needed to get away from civilization. He needed to run away. That cottage in Castlerock Thomas had been describing suddenly didn’t sound so terrible. Which way was north, again?

Well, technically, Northern Ireland was closer to west from York.

“Damn it, _Jimmy_!” Thomas shouted from behind him, sounding as if he’d broken into an unhappy jog. Jimmy made to increase his stride but was whipped back as his elbow was snached, forcing him into Thomas’ warm body. His heart beat furiously.

Their forms fit together so perfectly...

“Get the bloody hell off me!” Jimmy roughly pushed Thomas off him. Thomas stumbled back a step, stunned. Jimmy’s heart bleated in pain, the sudden deja vu of seven years ago when Jimmy had shoved Thomas away, the night he’d kissed him in his sleep. Thomas was no doubt remembering it too.

“Can we talk about this?” Thomas implored, eyes desperate.

“No, we ruddin’ cannot,” Jimmy fumed, all but stopping himself from clocking Thomas across the cheek. “Go! Go on livin’ with your perfect man and forget I ever existed.”

“Like that’s possible.” Thomas sighed, irritated with Jimmy’s attitude. “You’ve done a fine job of living without me until now.”

Jimmy felt all the breath punched out of him, shaking his head no. His heart well and truly ached now. He tried to suppress how emotional he was becoming, but it was so difficult. Everything was finally coming to a head, just as Jack had predicted.

“I didn't do a good job of it, Thomas,” Jimmy said miserably, his throat in knots. He squeezed his eyes shut, fingernails biting the palm of his hand as they rolled into tight fists. “I ‘aven't, truly.”

Thomas held very still, and Jimmy could feel his stare drilling into his soul. 

“There was no client in Thirsk was there?” Thomas whispered.

Jimmy shook his head. His cheeks felt hot, and wet. Of course they did. He was just as bloody lavender as Thomas, wasn’t he?

“You’re only here for me?”

Jimmy nodded.

“D-Don’t cry, Jimmy,” Thomas said weakly. Jimmy inhaled at length, steeling himself for his next confession.

“I nearly died without you, Thomas.”

“You what?”

“Jack Ross found me in a back alley in Soho, choking on me own vomit.”

Thomas sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. After a moment, his face became emotional, and he pushed his thumb and index finger into his eyes. “ _Damn you, Jimmy_.”

Ever since he was kicked out of Downton on his arse, Jimmy had been miserable. He was ashamed of the way he prostituted his body to Anstruther for her to give him a job again. He’d become uncomfortable when, as Harry Montevans’ valet, the toff had been so unhappy in his marriage but so charmed by Jimmy, that he offered to pay Jimmy extra to kiss him, and caress his half-naked body. Jimmy was disgusted at the realisation that Harry made him more horny than Anstruther, but at night when he tugged the frustration out, it was Thomas’ hands that exploring his skin; Thomas’ tongue plunging into his mouth.

“Harry Montevans tried to unbuckle me britches, so I took my wages and ran. I was a numpty and didn’t get a reference, and it wasn’t enough with Downton’s alone to get work in London. So, I was homeless with dwindling savings, wasn’t I?”

“You didn’t sleep on the street?”

“Sometimes,” Jimmy shrugged. “But usually I went home with women.” He flushed, voice going frail. “Men, too.. Occasionally.” It didn’t matter who as long as he had a bed and a shower. Jimmy’s palms shook, feeling dirty.

Thomas’ eyes widened.

“S’why I didn’t write,” Jimmy pressed a hand over his mouth, shoulders trembling as tears slipped from his eyes. He squeezed his eyelids shut. He refused to look at Thomas’ expression while he cried. “S’why I didn’t get your letters. I was ashamed. I was scared. Jack Ross saved my life. Got me back on my feet. I’m makin’ music and gettin’ paid for it now. I’ve me own roof over me head but I’m-”

_Hollow._

Jimmy jolted as Thomas’ arms wrapped around him, holding him into the firm warmth of his chest. Jimmy hiccuped out a tiny noise and relaxed, pressing his forehead against the coat layered over Thomas’ collarbone. Everything seemed to ache in Thomas’ embrace. Jimmy’s heart, his head, his cock. There was hope in Thomas’ arms and Jimmy clung to it as tightly as he could, heartbeat hammering in his chest.

“Why are you doing this to me,” Thomas murmured, lips ghosting across Jimmy’s hairline.

“Because I love you,” Jimmy said, as if it were the most simple and easy thing in the world.

“ _Jimmy_ ,” Thomas croaked.

“I was so empty when I left Downton. Like there were a gaping hole in my soul. Like.. the colour had been sucked out of it.” Shakily, Jimmy snaked his arms under Thomas’ coat and around the curve of his lower back, holding him close. He was so impossibly warm. “ _I’m sorry,_ ” he breathed.

“For what?” Thomas whispered, stirringly.

“That it took me so long to realise I’m a man like you. You are all the colour in my world. The colour and the melody. And, I’m so bloody tired of hiding in monochromes and flat chords.”

Thomas let out a shuddering breath. As they stood there in a perfect, companionable silence- in each others’ arms- a gentle snow began to dance down around them.

“Gold,” Thomas murmured, happily.

“Gold?”

“That’s you. Your colour,” Thomas mused. “Like the sun. Like the crown. I want to pour liquid gold down my throat until I drown.” He paused to swallow. “I.. I don’t know if I can live without you. I did awful things to meself because I didn’t think I’d ever see you again.”

“I’m here now,” Jimmy whispered, “I’m yours.”

Jimmy shifted in their hug to look up at Thomas, and in doing so, felt the firm knoll of Thomas’ erection against his own. Eyes fluttering, Jimmy shivered out a breathy groan. He could see now that Thomas was crying too, so Jimmy raised his hands to cup his lovely cheeks, brushing away the tears. Thomas gaped, as if he didn’t believe his own eyes.

Jimmy’s breath hitched at Thomas’ tender, half-lidded gaze. No one had ever, ever looked at him in such a way. Not even his own parents, god rest their souls.

“You’re the love of my life, Jimmy,” Thomas whispered, shook to the core. “From the moment you stepped into the servant’s hall. I thought right then and there, there’s a chap more exquisite than Her Ladyship’s sapphires. Then, you opened your lovely mouth and you were sharp, and bright, and _god-_ I never would’ve let O’Brien get into me head like she did for anyone else. But you.. _you,_ Jimmy, I wanted to believe it so desperately. Every night when I closed my eyes, I saw gold. My.. heart betrayed me. I was so utterly enchanted by you. I just, thought.. I’d a feeling you were funny, like me.”

“Maybe I were, and I didn’t even know it yet,” Jimmy said, adoringly.

Heart and soul come completely undone, Jimmy brought his mouth to Thomas’ right there in the middle of the snowy forest, kissing him truly- _properly_ \- for the first time. It was long and sweet and wild and so _right_ that Jimmy couldn’t comprehend how meager his existence had been before kissing Thomas. Thomas let out a little moan and wrapped his arms painfully tight around Jimmy’s shoulders, gathering him up like it could never be enough. The taste of nicotine overwhelmed Jimmy, along with the smell of Thomas’ pomade, a euphoric concoction with his musk. Jimmy greedily sucked in Thomas’ love, finally understanding what Thomas meant by closing his eyes and seeing gold.

Only Jimmy saw every colour, dancing together like flowers drifting on a lake of a Monet painting. Jimmy wanted to baptize himself in those colours, until they soaked into his soul and made him whole.

“Damn you, Jimmy Kent,” Thomas gasped, pulling away. He slid his mouth down the curve of Jimmy’s neck, kissing the exposed flesh. His touch was hot compared to the snowflakes peppering Jimmy’s flushed cheeks and nose. Jimmy inhaled, nose pressed deep into Thomas’ unkempt locks. “Damn you and your merry-go-round.”

Jimmy grinned.

**Author's Note:**

> My first Downton fic! I'm a bit late to the fandom but please let me know what you think, and I might write more!!
> 
> xo


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